from now on my penis is your penis
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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