How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I want a musical about memes.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
