I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
