I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
