my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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