Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
