we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
