i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
