I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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