Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
