Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
