Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
