dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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