planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
