why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
