I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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