Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
