New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
