he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
