Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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