I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
