You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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