He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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