Your face is a jimmy john
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
