Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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