we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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