I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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