dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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