I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
