Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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