my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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