We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
