dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
