Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
