He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
