You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
