Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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