I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm sobbing to NWA
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize