clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
