Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
