omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You ate ashes out of my bong
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
