I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
