He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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