my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
