I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
