I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
