Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize