we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
