you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
