Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
