i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
