I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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