i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
