Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
