guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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