just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
