I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
