I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
