he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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