There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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