Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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