I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Say something about gay babies.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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